Sunday, 2 September 2012

Welcome, Sweet September

My first and only post was about social media, and where I try to position myself in the digital world.   Today I wanted to post a little about a day spent in the real world.

 Yesterday was the First of September.  The first day of a shift into a new season, here in the Northern Hemisphere that being Autumn.  Unlike many, as a rule I do not relish this time of year.  I dislike the idea of the light disappearing from our days.  I was a new girl at school too many times for it to ever feel other than nerve-wracking.  I yearned nostalgically for those summer days of freedom as I donned new uniform and braced myself for finding my way physically and mentally in a new situation.  Life seems harsher overall when the temperature drops.  I feel happiest in summer clothes, my arms and legs bare.

Yesterday was however a beautiful day.  The late-summer light was indeed at a mellow angle, the drone of harvesters in the background all too familiar, grounding the sense of time and place even more. I decided to take some time out and act a bit like a child.  There was no-one watching me as I went up to the field and sat on the swing and swung hard for 20 minutes.  I let myself breathe properly for the first time since I can remember.  I bounced on the trampoline.  I rode my bike fast round the lanes.  I ate an ice-cream.  So far so good.

The experience turned out to be cathartic as this relaxing and 'letting go' soon produced floods of tears.  They had clearly been pooling somewhere for a long time because the overspill was dramatic.  I don't wish to appear self-indulgent but the last year, and particularly 6 months have been challenging for me, and by default the family.  I have dealt with the boys going away to boarding school.  I have accepted the need to sell my beloved house.  I have spent numerous hours sorting, de-cluttering and painting this house to ready it for sale.  I have kept it clean and tidy for the many viewings.  I have accepted this needs to be done as we have no money otherwise.  and yet the house has failed to sell and our situation is reaching crisis point.   I also started a job, objectively this is great for me, but juggling my time as a mother  has proved a challenge too.  I am well-aware that I am not on an even keel personally and emotionally.

 Yesterday was my first day 'off' in many months.  It felt good to let things go.  It was helpful to feel this way.  I still have a long way to travel with many personal issues which I won't go into here, but yesterday was definitely a starting point for me.

I still can't get enthusiastic about Autumn.  I understand we are good at doing Autumn:  it will largely obey the rules and let us indulge in all those things we do to make it enjoyable: 'the fallen leaves, jumpers and boots and drawn curtains against dark nights...' as a new Twitter friend who is a writer put so beautifully.  I will accept the changing season as always, try to keep my nostalgia in check.  And I will be grateful for a special first day of Autumn 2012, where the shift in the Earth brought some things together for me that I had ignored for previous seasons.